When it came time to pick a ministry book, I went back and forth on which book to read. There were some that I wanted to read because I was interested in the topic and others that I was recommended to read by others. Ultimately, I landed on reading a book about a topic I struggle with personally. I struggle to work with difficult people. Ironically, I love working with people in difficult situations. However, the people that are difficult personalities in general are a major hurdle in my personal ministry. Often times, I do not understand why people disagree so fiercely, relentlessly, and unapologetically. I especially do not appreciate people who argue for the sake of conflict, disagree without hearing all the information, or do so simply to hurt others. This book tackles all kinds of difficult people and opened my eyes to the “whys” behind people’s actions as well as practical tips for dealing with difficult situations.
During my time in The Fellowship Residency Program, I read a long list of powerful books. To read more about my residency experience click here. One aspect of my assignments is to summarize and write key takeaways from each of the books. This is a summary of "Ministering to Problem People in Your Church: What To Do With Well-Intentioned Dragons" by Marshall Shelley.
The book explains that many people in ministry are prepared for theological discussions, spiritual warfare, and hurdles in reaching people. However, nothing prepared them for the unreasonably angry, abusive attenders, or people who make up their minds without budging. This book tackles the very topic with grace and an abundance of information. The kinds of difficult people discussed include:
The Busybody who enjoys telling everyone how to do their jobs.
The Sniper who avoids the face-to-face discussions and talks about people behind their backs or passive aggressively.
The Bookkeeper who keeps records of all wrongs.
The Merchant of Muck who finds pleasure in spreading dissatisfaction within the church.
The Legalist whose list of absolutes are overwhelming to even the most experienced pastor.
The Bird Dog who likes to sniff out items the pastor should be taking care of and complain about them incessantly.
The Wet Blanket that has a general negative disposition.
The Entrepreneur who is so eager to start new ministries or sell their own agenda that they push people away.
The Drill Instructor who believes they are always right and have no trouble rebuking ministers in front of anyone.
The Anonymous blogger who will use any anonymous means available to let the leadership know they are frustrated without giving them the opportunity to explain themselves.
The Fickle Financier who uses money to approve or disprove of decisions.
One interesting note was that many pastors find they have the greatest problems with congregants who are not in Christian work, but probably should be. It is from those who have a direct call but likely aren’t following it. I would not have expected this, but it does make sense. Additionally, the author emphasizes that rarely are people wanting or intending to be difficult. Most of the “dragons” in the church are people with good hearts who believe they are Godly people with the right idea. They are only fighting so strongly, because their emotions are more powerful than any kind of logic. Often times, the anger is not directed at the pastor, but the situation. Unfortunately, the ministry lead is often times the recipient of the anger. It will be helpful for me to walk forward with this reminder. It is also important to remember not to attack back or become defensive when working with a difficult church member. No one wins when fighting evil with evil.
Electronic messaging requires extra levels of consideration. Email does not convey the nonverbals, facial cues, or intended emotions as well as context. Before firing back a message, it is important to seek wise counsel and consider the intention behind the message. Email should be used if there needs to be record of an interaction, if there is low emotional content, if you are not upset when responding, or when setting up a discussion. Emails are best avoided if you’re in conflict with someone you don’t know well, if you’re becoming emotional, or if it has gone back and forth without resolve. When using email, it is important to avoid assumptions, particularly around intentions, and avoid overanalyzing the message. Be intentional to be respectful and avoid words or phrases that could be misconstrued. Though email has not been an issue up to this point, it is always good to be reminded of emotional intelligence with regards to electronic conversations.
The book also discussed working with the mentally ill. It emphasized “destigmatizing the condition.” This area I understand well, but it affirmed my understanding. The book recommended clear boundaries and communication, pursuing serving the mentally ill over healing or fixing the ailment, leading the congregation in loving and accepting the mentally ill, and carefully planning step after step the interactions with this population. After all, serving the mentally ill can feel like perpetual failure, but successful ministry involves servanthood towards God over personal measured success.
The next chapter covered power plays, an area I have particular struggles with. I tend to give up power far too often. This chapter was especially helpful. It reminded me that most power struggles deal with matters of practice rather than core beliefs. The book recommended facing the power struggle directly and confidently and recognizing that not all problems are spiritual problems but rather personality differences. People sometimes simply need permission to disagree without one’s character or sanctification being questioned. Learn what you can from the opposition to anticipate future criticism, but do not allow it to destroy you. The critical people can increase our ability to analyze and anticipate problems, so use these experiences as growing opportunities. Finally, remember that failure is not fatal. You don’t have to “win” every battle. “Part of the miracle of grace is that broken vessels can be made whole, with even more capacity than before.”
Chapter 7 discusses the best defense. Attacking problems one-by-one is exhausting and can turn into a losing battle. Instead, it is best to cultivate a healthy congregation that prevents problematic people from overpowering the whole. We can do this by modeling positivity, publicly praising the strengths, taking pride in the diversity, thanking critics, assume your words will be repeated and trust accordingly, and be slow to step into other people’s disagreements. The book emphasized that petty problems rarely arise when people are participating in significant ministries. This is the direction that we as a staff are headed: handing off powerful ministry. Few people criticize ministry that they themselves are a part of. The more involved the people, the fewer unnecessary criticism will arise. Another important defense is to know the congregational values and be careful implementing too many changes at once. That may give the message that you are the expert and their processes are wrong. Ultimately, “real authority comes from proven credibility and caring.” The healthiest churches know their identity and are confident in that. Work hard to know and understand the church you serve.
Another crucial defense strategy is to develop a healthy board of spiritual leaders who will fight the battles with integrity. After all, it is difficult to be angry with people whom you love and trust. Ask the trusted board for feedback often so you are the first to hear the personal criticism rather than the last. It is also important to remember that the difficult person may actually be right. Albeit, wrong in approach, their stance may have merit. It is important to humbly and calmly consider the criticism. Take time, when you’re not angry, to wrestle with the feedback and discern if there is merit to the complaint before responding. We must walk the fine line between dictator and people pleaser to lead and steward the church well. Pastors best lead with the consent of the governed and by their calling and appointment for the position.
A person is not a problem simply because they have a different idea. It is not about silencing complaints, but offering perspective. Walking into difficult conversations, people need to be given permission to disagree, offer emotional and potent positions in love, and agree that no one will intentionally inflict hurt and pain towards another. Instead of viewing chronic complainers as lions, the book suggests seeing them as wounded sheep who need love. Praying for the difficult people is just as important as praying about the difficult situation they bring. If private conversations are not enough, ensure you take notes and inform trusted counsel. Finally, sometimes it just takes time to heal wounds. As hard as it can be, we must remember that one person does not have the power to destroy the church against the will of God. God’s plan will always win, and He is always in control. We must respond with forgiveness. Though forgiveness is not agreeing with, trusting, or forgetting, it is offering them the same grace that God has extended to us. The difficult times offer us opportunity to endure opposition, promote humility, and protect us from feeling invincible.