This year was beautiful. This year was the recovery year. The year that followed a season of darkness and despair. The year I could feel the breath back in my lungs. The year I started to believe.
I never have struggled to believe IN God as my Savior. But, I find it difficult to believe what God says about who He is, who I am, and what He will do. I wanted 2021 to be a year that changed that for me.
I wanted to believe that God designed me for pleasure and not only for work. I wanted to believe that I am made for more than being skinny. I wanted to believe Jacob would seek the tools he needed to better himself. I wanted to believe I was not an imposter in my work as a student therapist and that God would work out my career path. I wanted to believe I am a good mom. I wanted to believe I would be able to carry and deliver another baby. I wanted to believe that I can trust people and that I am not a burden to everyone in my life. I wanted to believe in miracles and that God desires for me to live life abundantly. Ultimately, I wanted to believe that HE. WILL. DO. IT.
God has done that and so much more. I have collected a few of the lessons in belief below for me to reference when it gets hard to believe again.
When I struggle to believe, I remember that God is in the life, light, breath, and space around me.
To believe is to behold.
If all I ever have in life is what God has already given me, it would be more than enough.
I can trust and believe in God’s timing because He sees the beginning and the end.
I learned to believe that God knows my needs better than I do.
I believed I would hold Judah from the moment I found out of his existence - even if a likely miscarriage is part of my story.
God told me to prepare for moments as if it all depends on me then remember that God’s plan doesn’t hang on my obedience.
To hold a posture of belief, I must pray with expectancy, know God’s voice, hold fast to hope, discern truth from lies, see the goodness in a situation as much as the pain, pursue holiness, ask for help, put in the work, know my worth, wait patiently, be free from defensiveness, surrender worries at His feet, lean into the Spirit, look for miracles, and declare God’s name in power. JESUS JESUS JESUS
I prayed to God that I no longer desired to be a stranger at the throne of grace.
God is my Sanctuary, Deliverer, Lifegiver, Provider, Shield, Wonderful Counselor, and the One Who Sees Me.
As I worked through the pain of my past and found myself at a tragic low, I heard God declare to me, “Behold, a new you is coming.”
I discovered my unhealthy “Parts” - the part that makes me larger when I feel unseen and feels pressured to “prove it”, the part that works and avoids fun, the part that feels the heavyweight of lifeless depression, the part that doesn’t trust anyone and feels betrayed, the part that thinks I will never be enough, the part that believes I am a burden, the part that cannot settle due to crippling anxiety, and the part that believes caring for others and making them feel safe will make me feel safe.
God reminded me that prayer is better than turning my eyes to anxiety and worry.
Belief is faith just past the point of comfort before recklessness.
When I struggled to believe, I viewed God as my lion and I gripped tightly to His mane.
Most choices in life are not good vs evil but are folly vs wisdom – avoid folly as much as I avoid evil.
To believe is to trust. To trust is to hope.
Laughing too loud is not a good enough reason not to laugh.
When I started to lose sight of who I am, I realized I needed to spend more time looking at who He is if He is who I hope to become.
“Why can’t you just….” is a narrative in my brain far too often. It is the enemy’s whisper and screams on my hardest days.
What we hunger for most, we worship.
“I am angry, is there grace for me?” was a question I found myself asking too much.
I realized that just because I cannot see the enemy doesn’t mean he isn’t prowling in my life. Pray without ceasing.
I learned that my body is good because my Creator has declared it so. When we consent to a name, we consent to be known by the namer - choose your namers wisely.
My greatest fear used to be being unknown. Now I realize that my greatest fear is to be known and feel unloved.
I discovered my response to scary places is to run or freeze. Now that I know, I can practice leaning into God to stay put and do what is right.
I learned that I feel as if I am too much for people, but God loves me even in my muchness. Rather than seeking to become “less” I want to use my muchness in a way that glorifies God.
Just because someone doesn’t like how it sounds doesn’t mean that I am wrong. WOAH!
I can believe because I am a recipient of a holy love.
I learned things about myself this year - I am hard to read, I am intense, and I struggle with severe anxiety. While these things may not be new to others, they were new to me.
God revealed to me that I am literally living out my dreams - I rested in that gratitude so much this year.
God started to change my “ifs” to “whens.”