Heavy and Holy
If I had to sum up the #transformtoredeem19 journey, it would be best described by the revelation of the two words above. But the journey from January to now was much move involved, difficult, and rewarding than those two words can ever capture.
Long before 2019, God had promised that my biggest transformation was yet to come. As I read that, I found myself filled with hope. Hope that I hadn't "missed" the spiritual prime time of my life. The best was yet to come. As things were starting to pick up in my Residency at The Fellowship, I realized that transformation was inevitable with the amount of work and intentionality that was going into my pursuit of Christ.
This brings me to my first takeaway. The measure of transformation that takes place is directly related to the amount of work you are willing to put into that area. Some areas of my life have been radically transformed. Others still need serious work. I cannot do it all at once, because I am merely human.
So back to the story of my word "transform"...in my group of Radiant Sisters, I had discovered that while I firmly believed God could redeem everyone else's mistakes, I did not believe that He could or would do the same for me. It was a sorrowful realization that I had been putting God in such a small box.
This brings me to my second takeaway, I needed serious transformation surrounding my understanding of who God is. My Radiant Sisters group did a spiritual practice that required us to describe as honestly as possible who God was to us (rightly and wrongly). Ironically, we did this practice right after my trip to Ethiopia. Ethiopia revealed to me that I did not believe that the Holy Spirit was still working crazy miracles. I was gravely mistaken. I also subconsciously lived as if God kept a scoreboard of everyone's rights and wrongs to use appropriately. This was such an enslaving assumption. Finally, I found that my understanding of God looked a whole lot like my understanding of myself. If I could do something, then I believed that God could do it too, only much better. However, if I lacked in some areas, then I struggled to believe that God could follow through in those areas. The practice opened my eyes to see that I am fully addicted to myself.
As I was writing my intro to the transformation journey in January, I wrote, "But, this year of transformation is not only about me and my life. This year is about looking out into the world and transforming hearts, cultures, and families. How can I be used in transforming other people's souls, bodies, and minds? I cannot wait to share the Gospel with those who don't believe, to heal hearts that have been broken by hurt and loss, and challenge those who are stuck in their comfortable spaces. Internal transformation is only valuable when it is partnered with external action."
I'm grateful and humbled to admit that God exceeded my wildest expectations of how this would reveal itself in 2019. A significant fruit of this experience was Radiant Sisters. Radiant Sisters is Rocky and I's newly founded ministry that equips women to relentlessly pursue Christ, community, and the call. It has been a joy to envision what I thought this year was going to be and watch as God shifted the word into something greater than I could have ever imagined.
Here are a few great notes on transformation that God revealed to me throughout the year (as I was writing, I got carried away. I want the whole list to review, but I understand if you just want to skip to the end):
As I was purging of our home, I was reminded of an important truth. When I was almost done with the clean up, it still looked bad on the outside. I knew in my heart the progress, the work, and the relief that had come, but an outsider would likely continue to describe the house as being messy. This year I had to become okay with looking messy and chaotic while I purged my body, heart, and mind of the unnecessary, the hurtful, and the clutter.
Transformation requires immense sacrifice. God simply desires for us to be willing to be willing.
The plan and direction of 2019 was completely hidden from my sight. From January to December, God kept His plans hidden from me. However, He has continued to give me signs that I’m on the right path. I’m (finally) choosing to follow Him and trust that His plan is where I want to go. This was a huge step forward in transformation.
For some reason, Matthew 7:7 (ESV) "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you," struck a chord with me. I spent a great deal of time studying scripture to understand what it meant. I have discovered that the verse commands us to ask in humility, seek with obedience and intentionality, and knock with perseverance.
At best, playing it safe produces average results.
A drastic before and after picture doesn't depict the work, the temptation, the grind, and the failures behind the transformation. Remember, people are only sharing their victories. You too can transform even with a slew of setbacks.
When you make space for it, you will see God move. You will see miracles. You will see tragedy. You will see people come to know Christ. You will see brokenness. Most importantly, You will see Jesus all over it.
Ministry was a job I GOT to do. It is refreshing to recognize that your work should be a generous gift and not a burdensome obligation.
Nothing will transform ya like a toddler :P
Not one step of transformation happens on our own. We need to have people who check in, opportunities that push us forward, and Jesus who will gift us an abundance of grace and truth throughout it all.
We all will make mistakes. But, it is the one who owns it, apologizes, and seeks growth that will make the difference. Humility will never let you down, but pride will destroy you from the inside out. Don’t fall into its trap. Be hungry to do more, be more, and learn more, but also be content with what God has gifted you thus far.
When life gets tough, we often can’t see Jesus. We start to wonder where He is, but He is still there. In seasons of unknown, choose to rest in the promise of the sunrise awaiting you ahead.
Throughout the transformation process, there were moments that I wished I could have frozen time. Life doesn't work that way, but ALWAYS write it down. It will keep you moving forward when the moments are less perfect.
When it comes to your health, find what will work for you. Don't do a diet or an extreme amount of exercise that will not be long lasting. Instead, find a lifestyle change and maintain balance. The weight loss will be slower, but the journey to health will be more consistent.
All things good and acceptable and perfect are God, not me.
We have to be undone to be remade. The undoing of transformation is important for identifying plaguing lies, confessing and receiving forgiveness, and experiencing brokenness before receiving the gift of wholeness.
I CAN do CG Games and crush my goals. Also, I need to set loftier goals. Small goals means small wins.
Ministry is a way of life. It doesn't have to be a job.
There is no greater joy than watching your child grow and transform into the person God has always intended for them to be. I'd like to think God feels the same way about us.
I am drawn to the picture of the cross. The picture of ultimate sacrifice. The cross is the truest of love. The cross is the power of Heaven. The cross is the reason I am chosen, loved, adopted, seen, wanted, and known. The cross is the beginning and the end for my life. I may feel like I am sacrificing everything. But what feels like everything to me is nothing when held against the image of the cross.
A big moment of transformation came when I chose to lay down all the “important” things for the only true LIFEGIVING thing. I spent time in prayer, in Gods word, and prioritized rest. I surely let some people down, but I made the decision that I will no longer let down the one I serve in exchange for people needing to be served.
God COMMANDS Sabbath. This is hard for those of us who are the hardworking can’t stop, won’t stop kind of people. Have you ever thought, “If I don’t do ______, then no one will?” Then you’re one of us. You know, the prideful people. The kind of people that somehow believe that we are so powerful that one day, week, or season off will somehow halt God’s ministry from coming to completion. Wow, Hannah. (Talking to myself here!) Sit down. Be humbled. Rest and stillness are EQUALLY important in the eyes of the Lord. Jesus said “no” when people needed Him. Jesus rested. Jesus prioritized being still with the Father.
When you walk through serious transformation you are prompted to "go" and share its power with everyone you know. Sometimes this is through social media or talking with your friends. Other times, this is done through writing a book and starting a ministry. I have decided to do all of it.
Make sure your spouse improves your "oneness" as a couple and fills in the gaps that you leave on the table. It will make your servanthood together 10 times better, easier, and more fun!
When God tells you its going to be a season on "no," strap in. He means it. But He also has a couple of pretty great "yes" answers up ahead. The "yes" is ALWAYS worth the "nos." On a related note, stop fighting surrender. It is so much easier to just give it up to God. Maybe someday I'll actually do that.
The #1 prayer I prayed all year was, "God, I ask for all of you and none of me." It is a good one that God happily answers.
God's words to me could be summed up by this: Wait. Rest. Grieve. Embrace. Jump. Trust.
In order to better understand who we are, we absolutely must know who God is. We cannot know ourselves without knowing He who created us. This year, God revealed in new ways who He was and who I am in Him. Next year will be about believing those things.
There is always purpose in the wait and the suffering. Be patient, and it will be revealed to you.
I am always seen and never forgotten by God. This is a truth I will have to remind myself of often.
Fasting scares people. Like a lot. But fasting is likely the most powerful spiritual discipline I have ever experienced. Fasting reminds us how utterly human and broken we are. It reveals our dependency on Him to provide for our needs. It is a spiritual detox that brings clarity, anticipation of His second coming, and the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit. Fasting led me to declare that others can have their food and worldly blessings, I just want to crave Jesus. The burning that happens in your body during a long fast felt like God consuming the sin in my life and transforming it into a holy fire for God.
The primary areas that need transforming in me are related to patience, trust, heath, sacrificial love, adventure, prayer, and pride.
Sometimes I needed to test God to believe that I could in fact trust Him.
One of the most powerful prayers we will ever pray is, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." More than we need anything, we need Jesus and His mercy.
The weight of the wait is heavy. Embrace it anyways.
We must come to believe that our own sin is the most tragic and in need of Jesus's saving power. (I Timothy 1:15-17).
When we don't know what to say, just say the name "JESUS" until we feel at peace.
If you are on mission, and you don't talk about Jesus, then you're on someone else's mission.
We have the Holy Spirit in us who loves and knows Jesus better than we do. Let Him do His thing.
If the Gospel doesn't feel like good news to you, then you probably aren't sharing the right Gospel.
For me, there is more comfort in the muchness and the busyness. True work will require that I become comfortable in the holiness of the silent and the still.
I will clean up so much more vomit as a mother than I ever could have expected. This was the beginning of the deepening of my motherly sacrificial love. I'm still working on this one....
We can hold the space of fearful and trusting at the same time. Likewise, there can be simultaneous joy and sorrow. The acceptance of the paradox allows for reconciliation.
The more that we tell God that we are ready to listen, the more we cannot hear His voice.
Creating a ministry entails a significant amount of joy, doubt, excitement, pressure, fear, loneliness, intimacy, and trust. It is everything you could imagine and nothing you ever predicted at the same time.
Sometimes, we will scream, "Where the hell are you God?" to recognize the depths of our pain. He is right there and loves us through these messy moments.
Sometimes I wonder why I am always giving everything I've got to projects that will fail, people that will not appreciate me, and events that fall short. I am reminded that my dilligence and disciple are testiments to the goodness that God has to offer. Then, I choose to get up and keep grinding.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is ask ourselves what do we need most from God right now. Then, go find it. My Radiant Sisters group did this, and every single one of us received what we had asked for in abundance.
Sabbath rest is anything that increases our affection for the Lord.
My passion is to equip women to relentlessly pursue Christ, community, and the call.
It is in the season of sorrow and wondering in the wilderness that sanctifies and prepares you for a season of servanthood filled with abundant blessings.
The night that the miscarriage began (though I did not yet know it), I was praying the lyrics of a song I love, "Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness. My God, that is who you are." I heard God clearly tell me that in that moment, He was not going to be a miracle worker, but He would be a promise keeper. Our baby was not rescued and spared, but the promise of a child was and is still there. Oh, how I look forward to this promise unfolding in the upcoming years.
This year was incredibly heavy. Some of the most trying moments I have ever experienced took place in 2019. However, when I was reviewing the year, I realized that our family didn't encounter a series of tragedies or tough moments like we have in years past. In all actuality, it was quite the opposite. This year was sprinkled with endless blessings and holiness. There is immense holiness in doing the hard work of ministry, writing important truths, and experiencing massive outward transformation. I struggled to understand why this year felt so heavy. Then, God revealed why this year was so hard. This year was a year of being confronted face-to-face with my deepest and darkest sin.
The transformation process first requires an honest evaluation of your current state and significant "undoing." In doing so, you have to admit and confess an overwhelming amount of sin. Facing my own sin is far more painful and soul-wrecking than external suffering, because my sin is a personal choice to separate myself from God.
Transformation hurts. It is hard. It is stretching. But, when we say "yes" to the pain, there is nothing but righteousness, sanctification, and holiness on the other side.
Transformation is heavy. Transformation is holy. It is paradoxically both at the same time. It is a unique and special space. It is a space that I would invite you into. What needs to be transformed so that you may experience what is the will of God and what is good and acceptable and perfect? 2019, you were one for the books. But, man, I don't know if I've ever been more ready for a new year.
