Have you ever had one of those moments when God speaks so clearly and boldly that it changes your whole world as you know it? I recently had one of those moments while reading Jamie Ivey‘s book, “If You Only Knew.” Though I have a passion for reading and growing and find many books have moving messages, this one struck a chord with
me.
You see, Jamie shares my passion for stories. We both enjoy hearing and getting to know other people’s stories. It is through learning about other people’s lives that one can actually begin to know and understand them. I enjoy hearing all the “background” knowledge and history of a person. It helps to paint a picture of their “why.” Why they act the way they do. Why they think the way they do. Why they hurt others the way they do.
Once I know someone’s story, I get it.
“If You Only Knew,” is Jamie’s story about how Christ redeemed her throughout her lowest of times. She shares how redemption comes by way of vulnerability, authenticity, and honesty.
I too have a similar story of God meeting me where I was and pulling me out of it. For some reason I have always been too scared to share. It was by reading this book that I recognized my fear is stemming from pride. Pride that people might think I am not worthy of my Christian faith. Pride that if people knew the struggles, then I would not be “enough” for them. Pride that steals the glory from God in a failed attempt to fix my brokenness.
Working through my God-given word of peace this year has taught me that I will never be enough for others. I have sin. I will fail. And that is okay, because God’s grace covers me. I could go on and on about this, but that is a post for another day.
In order to fully believe that we are saved, we must first confess and repent of our old ways. The darkest spaces in our hearts are where God’s radiant light will most freely shine. I want to share the dark spaces in my heart so that God can use my story to shine light.
So here we go….If you only knew.
If you only knew that I feel a constant need to be known, be right, and also meet everyone’s definition of perfection.
I put pressure on myself to be everyone’s everything and somehow manage to fail so poorly that often I feel I am no one’s anything.
I seek to be affirmed so badly that I have defined my self-worth in other’s depiction of me and not as God’s holy child. I want to do it all and be it all. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be God instead of being like him.
My pride rears its ugly head. Humbling myself means opening up my failures for the world to devour. That thought can bring so much fear that I feel trapped in a place between self-deprivation and arrogance.
I consistently ask the question, “I am enough?” Yet I refuse to listen or hear God’s response.
I will speak poorly about others in a fatal attempt to elevate myself. Yet simultaneously, I hold the belief that to let others down is to fail, and, at times, the constant feeling of failure builds up. It builds up mentally as I become overwhelmed. It builds up physically as I fuel myself with junk food in an attempt to heal. But ultimately, it builds in my heart and steals space from the things that are good.
If you only knew that sharing this information was so scary, that I struggled posting this for some time.
I have a wretched mind, heart, and soul. Now you know.
Wouldn’t it be tragic if it ended there? But I am here to tell you that God has set me free this year in my pursuit of peace. He has given me freedom to fail and continue forward. He has become the source of my self worth and given me permission to be perfectly imperfect.
Like Moses on Mount Sinai in Exodus 3, I have made so many “I am not” statements. God has simply replied, ” You never will be enough. But fear not. I AM.”
This year I have been given permission to be free. I have been showered in grace so that my story can be redeemed. I have felt alive this year in ways that I never thought I could.
As I begin to share my story, I invite you to share your own “if you only knew” moment and watch the love, grace, and freedom that pours over you.